sutures
by dilemmas
Summary: "God, she was being awful, but is it too much to ask that she doesn't have to share a bed with JJ? JJ, who started all this in the first place; JJ, who took every chance she got to remind her that she and Will could make it work; JJ, who… through all of this is still putting up with her bullshit." [Exit Wounds through to pre-JJ]


**a/n: un beta'd as you'll probably be able to tell, but i've wanted to do something like this for a while...**

* * *

Sure, Mick Rawson was… attractive, and there was no denying the accent was a (big) part of that, but really, _really_?

Mick Rawson was the classic charming-narcissistic-asshole-type. And, yeah, they're fun for a few rounds, but after that the charm wears away and you're left with a dickhead who really couldn't give a shit whether or not you got off. If she were ten years younger she could just head back out and find a bar (it's San Francisco, for christ's sake, she'd be done — and then some — in time to catch the red-eye back to DC), but she's not.

So, yeah, she'd thought about it, and it was _so_ not worth her time.

"Emily, you decent?" A beat later JJ's through the door and—

"Okay, what's the point of asking if you're just gonna let yourself straight in?" It comes out bitchier than she'd intended and JJ's still setting her go-bag down next to hers. Great, this is _exactly_ what she needs, some quality time with the woman who is now, apparently, obsessed with her getting some.

"We're doubling up," Emily doesn't even bother trying to hide the eye-roll, "what, you'd rather I send Reid in to kick you all night?"

"It's fine, JJ, I just _really_ wanted to have some time to myself tonight," she tries not to sound pissed and by the look on JJ's face she's failed.

"Okay, fine, I'm gonna have a shower," she raids her go-bag for her toiletries and a change of clothes, "so you've got half an hour to work through whatever the hell this is," she pulls the door closed behind her hard enough to rattle the pictures on the wall.

_Shit_.

She takes a moment, groaning as she rakes her fingers down her face, no doubt leaving red streaks on her raw skin. God, she was being awful, but is it too much to ask that she doesn't have to share a bed with _JJ_? JJ, who started all this in the first place; JJ, who took every chance she got to remind her that she and Will could make it work; JJ, who… through all of this is still putting up with her bullshit.

So, Emily turns down the bed and slips in the side furthest from the bathroom, burying her head as far into the pillow in the off chance she ends up screaming in frustration. It was exhausting, trying not to snap at JJ every given chance. She'd made it through last night, sure, but that was mostly because Penelope had good timing. And now she was stuck in a bed. In a cabin. In _Alaska_ with her and she could feel her resolve start to break.

The door creaks open and JJ, flannel-clad, braided pigtailed JJ sinks into the bed beside her. Usually she'd sidle up right next to her, and Emily would revel in the closeness, but she'd ruined that with this passive aggressive bullshit. She tries, she really tries to go to sleep, but once JJ's breathing has slowed Emily's out of bed, changing into jeans, sweater, and jacket, and heading back down to the dayroom.

—

_"Will you look after her, please?"_

—

"I'm swapping with Morgan,"

"I figured as much since you'd cleared out,"

"It's probably for the best,"

"Yeah,"

—

Morgan's sat on the end of the bed when Emily comes out of the bathroom. She studies him for a moment before licking her lip and setting herself beside him.

"Derek," he hums an acknowledgement, "she's shaken up, but she'll be fine," she reaches out to touch his bicep, "if anyone can get through to her… it's JJ,"

He nods, a small smile lingers for a moment before he gets up, "you want the bed?"

"What, you think I'm gonna jump you?" She cracks a smile and pulls him back to the bed, "we can share, then JJ might shut up about me needing to get laid," he smirks and it's all Morgan.

"Would that be classed as 'pity' or 'revenge', because you know I'm fine with either, but I just like to know where I stand in this whole thing," she shoves him into the mattress, "okay, you go shut the lights off, princess, then we'll get down to business,"

She does and saunters to his side of the bed, "you know, these walls are pretty thin," she runs her eyes over him for a moment before she straddles him, hands above his shoulders, with all her weight on her knees, "but that's not necessarily a bad thing," she leans forward, her pyjama top gaping at the front. She holds her position for a moment before she leans further down, licks her lips, and pitches her weight to the side, rolling over to her half of the bed. She chuckles at his dazed-slash-turned-on expression.

"God, you're easy," he groans a response as she settles into the mattress, burying her face in the pillow, "feel free to tell JJ I took advantage of you, though," it's muffled and he knows she's done talking, but it's been bugging him for a long time now and the way they've been today it's like something's shifted.

"Does she know?"

She heaves a sigh, "well, I'd hope so, seeing as I've all but commissioned a sky-writer to put it up in big block letters," it's sardonic and snide leaves a bitter taste in his throat. He remembers her face after JJ came out about her relationship with Will; she was as crushed as Emily would ever let herself look, she even borrowed his iPod on the plane home. (But not before bringing him a twin miniature-Drambuie from the mini-bar.)

After a maybe minute of silence she flips and focusses on the ceiling, counting the cracks with shining eyes.

"She does," it comes out small and meek and totally un-Emily, "she… we… when Hotch was suspended and I quit… after that case with Strauss, she came to my place on the verge of tears… she was _pissed_," she shakes her head almost unbelieving against the pillow, "she said she thought we were close, that I should have told her about—that I should have told her why I'd quit… and then she stopped and she wiped her face and," Emily licks her lips and digs her teeth in for a moment before continuing, "she kissed me."

Morgan shifts in the bed and Emily sits up, rubbing at her temple for a moment before continuing.

"She kissed me… and I kissed back," she swallows down the lump in her throat before continuing, "and we ended up on my couch, and she asked me not to leave… she made me promise, and I told her I'd never leave her… and then for weeks things were… undefined and amazing and like nothing I'd ever felt before…"

She can practically hear the cogs turning over in his head.

"I was the one who ended it," his face contorts and it's a moment before she continues, "that case… the one… the girl who was in WITSEC it reminded me of… of someone I used to know and I started pulling away, and it just sort of… dissolved from there,"

He's stunned silent and Emily's trying to stop the tears from welling up but it's futile, "and then I told her to go for him… and she did… and now she keeps—it's like she's rubbing my face in it," she swipes at the tears, "but then just before Christmas, when I got hit by that freakin' truck…" she swallows and tries not to let the tears spill over, "it was barely there but it's like we'd never stopped and now… I know she's not trying to hurt me, I know that's not her, but… God it's _killing_ me, Derek, and there's nothing I can do about it,"

He pulls her close then and knows there's nothing he can do either.

"Come on, you need to sleep," she mumbles a _thank you_ into his shoulder and breathes deep.

She's down for the count in minutes.

—

_"A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another, it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden."_

—

It's like deja vu.

JJ bursts through the open door the moment Emily nods her permission and she's dumbstruck by the view over the Potomac. Emily's got the lights dimmed and it makes the city look almost ethereal, like this is all some dream and when she wakes up it'll be two and a half years ago, with her passed out on the couch that's sitting just out of sight, tangled in Emily.

She's shaking, almost, but stills when she sees the reflection of Emily over her shoulder, her head cocked to the left; she's not angry or irritated or anything she deserves to be. JJ turns on the spot and swallows thickly, _this is your last chance Jareau, make it count_, "saying that I'm sorry, it—it doesn't even _begin_ to cover it," she stops, lets out a ragged breath, "I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about how what I was saying was… affecting you. I wasn't thinking about how, if I were in your position—if I were you, I would have slammed that door right in my face… but to your credit, you let me in,"

Emily moves to sit, chewing relentlessly on the inside of her lip, and signals for JJ to sit as well. She does and it's a momentary reprieve to collect her thoughts, "the only reason I keep… mentioning him, is because I know we're in the same boat. When we—I—it was like the team was splintering off, and then you… and I needed someone safe, just for a while, just to… help me get my head on straight," she's blinking back tears. This was never supposed to be easy, but _God_, did it have to make her feel _sick_?

"And I wasn't in love with him. But, the person I _did_ love was telling me to go for him, and I figured, then, that it was real, that it was… really not… salvageable," she looks at her nails, not daring a glance towards Emily, but she can guess by the way she's sitting in her peripheral that she's probably chewing on her thumbnail.

(She'd never bitten her nails before Emily, now hers are just as jagged and her cuticles just as swollen.)

"It wasn't for a long time—it… took me a long time to really, honestly love him, and even then… when I found out I was pregnant I wanted so badly to go running after you, but I knew it wasn't my place. Even with you being… you, I wasn't gonna, I don't know, force you to be a part of it…"

Emily reaches out, curling her fingers around JJ's, she goes to speak but—

"I want you to be happy, I… I still haven't said yes to Will," Emily's eyes are shining and it's almost a relief that she hasn't. Things are still… fragile and tangible and just out of reach, "and I feel like I'm—like I'm _using_ him because, if something—if we—if… if it weren't for Henry I'd leave him in a heartbeat if there was a chance… and I guess if there was someone else then I could, I don't know, sleep easy at night knowing there was someone else. And I know it's selfish but… God, there's no _but_, Emily," she squeezes her eyes shut and pulls in a breath, her hand closes around Emily's and a beat later she's ready, "I love you."

Finally, _finally_ she meets Emily's eyes. She looks tired, shattered, and JJ knows she should leave but—

"I loved you, and I love you, and I doubt that will ever change. I just need you to know that I'm not… I have never tried to hurt you with this, and I can see it on your face that I have, but I need you to know that was the _last_ thing I wanted," she meets Emily's eyes again, holds her gaze longer than anyone normally would, "tell me to leave and I will, but I just… needed you to know because the way things have been… it's been hell," Emily looks down, guilt-ridden, and shifts forward, grasping JJ's hand firmer than she had been before, "I need you in my life Emily," her fingers twitch around JJ's, "whatever you give me I will cherish, because I know what it's like to go without now," she smiles somewhere between doleful and hope, "…and it _sucked_."

Emily snorts undignified at the inflection, and a tear spills over, "it really did suck, didn't it?"

JJ grins and she's almost radiant. She snatches her hand from Emily's, brushing away the unexpected tears that were pushed onto her cheeks. She takes a breath and a watery smile spreads across her lips, "are we good?"

Emily smiles and brushes away a stray tear on JJ's cheek, "we're better than good," she rises, pulling JJ up with her, "c'mere," she pulls her into an embrace and JJ burrows her face in Emily's neck, arms around her shoulders pulling her closer as Emily's hands mould into her waist and hip. She's sated and warm and it's hard not to wish she had this every day, every night; to tell her there's still nights where she's up 'til three tossing and turning over five one-syllable words; to tell her that if she were to leave Will, right now, she'd have a room made up for Henry by tomorrow night; to tell her that she loves her, that, despite everything, she never stopped. (She can't say it, though, not anymore; there's Will and Henry and over two years between the last time she said it. It's there, and she knows that JJ sees it, too.)

It's another hour of talking, of revealing in being curled up against each other for the first time in months, before Emily leads JJ to the door. She's leaning against the doorframe with JJ's hand in hers for another minute before they embrace again and Emily watches as she walks to the elevator, sharing furtive smile when it dings.

—

It grows from there, evolves into something neither of them had ever had before, ever thought could exist.

When the Pentagon starts hassling JJ, she tells Emily, and only Emily. Will would want her to take the job, would, without meaning to, guilt her into it. Hotch would tell her to do what she thinks is best, he'd want her to stay, but he's seen her grow, and knows she should spread her wings and get as far away from the BAU as possible.

When she tells Emily they're in a shitty motel in Auburn, Kentucky. It's August and in the nineties past eight at night and the air-con's out. JJ comes back into the dingy room and sighs, she's just gotten off the phone with Will saying good night to her boy and she's exhausted and guilt-ridden; Emily knows that face, that I'm-hurting-everyone-I-touch face and asks what's up. She tells her, agonises over the fact she can't talk to Will about it, can't let him know because, logically, it's the right move. She has no idea where it's coming from, why they want her, and it's too tightly guarded with red tape to even get a clue of what the position really entails.

"This isn't right," Emily licks her lip before continuing, "this _reeks_, JJ,"

"I know, I turned them down but then they came back and… I don't know what to do…"

"You know, I could talk to someone… my mom has plenty of people inside the DOD, I could get her to ask someone if—"

"Emily… you don't need to do that, I mean, they're probably just looking for someone, right? I do press conferences for us all the time, maybe they're looking for someone with experience?" JJ takes a swig from the bottle of water on the nightstand, "I just wish this was all easier. I want to stay with the BAU, it's where I belong, we're a _family_, why break that up?"

"Jayje there's no way Hotch would let you go without a fight. Plus, Garcia could pull some strings from the inside, hang up your transfer or get rid of the position or—" she takes a breath, sees the sullen look on JJ's face, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just letting my mind get away from me," she shakes her head, trying to dislodge the thoughts. She looks back at JJ, forcing a smile, "it's gonna be okay, whatever happens, we'll work through it; all of us,"

They move to their separate, rank-looking twin beds and try to get comfortable even though it's like the air is sticking to them. It's impossible, though, they're both stuck ruminating on this whole load of shit the Pentagon's dumped on their shoulders and it's not long before Emily's quietly rustling through her go-bag for her sure-fire anxiety remedy.

She's leaning against the railing lighting her second Clove of the pack when JJ finds her, she takes a drag before passing it to JJ, she offers a thanks and it comes out huskier than Emily had expected. Even in the faint light she can tell JJ's been crying.

"We'll fix this," she smiles and takes back the cigarette, studying it for a moment before putting it to her lips. JJ watches her, the way the smoke curls as she takes a drag; how she licks her lips, savouring the taste after she exhales; she smiles, itching to push back an errant strand of hair drifting dangerously close to the smoulders.

"I know,"

* * *

**a/n: ****i'm abt 70% happy with this which is 50% more than usual. it's a little disjointed and a little stark**

**so**

**yeah**

**also, morgan and emily toeing the flirting line is one of my favourite things ever :)))**


End file.
